Why I Love What I Do
Sometimes I forget what a long journey I have been on. Not because it is insignificant nor too painful to think about, but because the person I used to be seems so far removed from who I am now I almost don’t recognise her.
I feel like there are 4 versions of me:
Pre eating Disorder Kylie
During Eating Disorder Kylie (Pic One)
Post Eating Disorder Kylie (Pic Two)
Who I am now (Pic Three)
The reason I don’t talk too much about my days at the ‘height’ of my eating disorder is because sometimes I find it so hard to relate to that person as it seems to far removed from where I am now.
I only think of it if a particular memory is jogged; which it was in Step’s latest post talking about how she deals with feeling full. It took me a second to comprehend how this could be viewed as a negative, (I love feeling satisfied and full!) until I remembered how much I used to hate the feeling of ‘full’ , relating it to feeling ‘fat’, bloated and gaining weight.
I was in a vicious cycle; I ate so little that when I did eat normal food or a normal meal it made me feel full up, bloated and if I weighed myself the next day (which I did – religiously 3 times each morning on different scales) I would have gained a few pounds leading me to believe if I ate like a ‘normal’ person the weight would continue to go up and up and up until I became massive. I thought the pounds on the scale were actual fat I had put on over night (impossible) not understanding then about inflammatory foods, stress on the gut and water retention.
So I just didn’t eat it. I lived on foods which gave me pleasure (because even though I hardly ate I still obsessed over food, loved it, thought about it constantly and always wanted it), but didn’t leave me feeling full. Peanut butter on toast, sugary cereal, bagels with jam, and most commonly (and my favorite) a meal of only a bowl of chocolate were my staple meals throughout the day.
I lived in this world for about 5 years (it’s actually all a bit of a blur so I’m not actually sure how long I existed like this for – and I say existed because it certainly wasn’t living), and wasted most of my late 20’s to this way of life. I thought there was no other way to have the body that I wanted (not that I would ever want that body now) without just not eating and restricting myself.
It wasn’t until my boyfriend at the time threatened to leave me (after a massive row because he had hidden the scales from me so I couldn’t obsess over weighing myself) that I finally admitted I had a problem and decided it was time to take ownership and get my life back.
So here I am, that was me at 28, and now this is me at 34. The essence of me has always remained the same, the only thing that has really changed is my knowledge. My knowledge most importantly of myself, who I am and who I want to be, but also of the importance of healthy nutrition and training and when treated right what the body is actually capable of.
This is why I am SO passionate about helping women lead a life they want and not just exist or be a prisoner to a diet or restricted eating. I know what its like to obsess over food and let it control you, I also know what it like to obsess over exercise and let it control you (which is Post Eating disorder Kylie in Pic 3 but that’s for another day).
I promise anyone out there reading this it really doesn’t have to be that way, you may not have a full blown eating disorder but if you obsess over food or have an unhealthy relationship with food in anyway you can change! All you need is a little bit of knowledge, a fantastic support network and a hell of a lot of willpower you can do it!