Manifesting the Feminine
When you see this photo what do you think?
I see someone who I want to be, a woman in touch with her feminine and masculine energies, emotions, heart and mind. I am not this person; I want to be, but right now I am far from it. The reality is my female energy is hidden underneath a dominant masculine energy. I might look like ‘feminine’ with my long blonde hair, tan and pink nails but its just a facade taken for a photoshoot.
I’ve been aware for a while now I have masculine behaviours, but it’s not until recently I have actually gained an understanding of what this meant. I crave control and perfectionism, I am driven and hardworking. I’ve always had these qualities but in my twenties these were always balanced with my feminine self; the way I dressed (pastel colours, flowers in my hair, dainty underwear), my relationships with my close girlfriends, sister and partner and my career (I was an air hostess). It wasn’t until I got into the fitness industry that my masculine energy superseded my feminine; I was suddenly in a male dominated industry where everyone was pushing hard to be the best version of themselves. I morphed overnight and relished in letting my masculine take center stage; I was tough, strong, disciplined, unbreakable and unstoppable. I wanted to be one of the boys, I wanted to be strong and build muscle, I did not want to be feminine; because being feminine in the gym meant I was weak and pathetic.
And I loved it; I felt powerful and successful and I was. I built my business very quickly, made a name for myself in the industry and developed a great network with the best in the industry. Within a year I was working at the most high profile and sought after gym in Sydney and my own results in the gym were consistently improving. Everything I did was about pushing forwards, never stopping and being the best.
I was smashing it, or so I thought I was. The reality is it almost destroyed every part of me. I became lost and didn’t know who I was anymore. I had pushed away everyone who connected me with my former self because they reminded me of the weaker, feminine version of me. I lost my partner, almost lost my family and my friends…I didn’t have time for the love that they wanted to give me or they would require back - I was too busy for that. I became a workhorse, had no social life, lost my support network and became very lonely.
It wasn’t until mid last year that I hit rock bottom and started my journey on self-awareness. And it wasn’t until a month ago that I started to learn about masculine and feminine energies through a podcast by Connie Chapman and everything started to click into place for me.
I was more self-aware but was still letting my masculine control me. Just take a look at my Instagram feed…the majority of the posts are me in the gym (masculine environment), wearing sports clothes in black and white (masculine), pushing the hardest I can (masculine).
And so my journey to getting back in touch with my feminine self has begun, and I'm quickly realising its not as easy as just wearing a pink sports bra!
On another podcast by another one of my favourite people from Maddy Moon she talks about what to do when you feel disconnected with your feminine energy including:
Being closer with mother nature
I try and get to the beach as much as I can to watch the sunrise
I go for a walk in a park rather than in the gym
I want to buy plants! Lots of plants for my apartment to connect me with earth
Connecting with animals
I don’t own any pets – YET! I used to, as a child I was surrounded by pets and horses but as I got older I became disconnected with them. So right now I make the most of the two awesome cattle dogs my partner has and try and see them as much as I can.
Spending time on your relationships
I‘ve rebuilt the relationship with my sister and friends and have a great support network around me both personally and professionally.
Building a community
Both virtually and in real life I am working through investing only in the relationships that serve me. I recently did a massive cull on my Instagram feed to get rid of anyone I had no connection to or didn’t add value to my life in any way and it felt amazing!
Small glimpses have started to appear on my Instagram feed too – some shots of sunrises, beach shots, meditation; but it doesn’t come easy. I’m still trying to uncover what feminine means to me; and what activities make me feel most in my masculine or feminine. I am working on connecting and engaging in the relationships I pushed away and eventually I hope I become so in tune with myself I will be able to tap into the energy I want when I want it.
As with anything it won’t be an easy journey, and so I’m excited that I have some up-coming sessions with Connie Chapman to help guide me through this journey and hope to share it with you guys too.
Watch this space…