5 Things I Used To Wear As A Badge Of Honour Which I No Longer Do
Life is one beautiful, messy journey. And along that journey we make mistakes, do and say things we regret, and move through different phases of our lives which can be in stark contrast to our pasts.
And that’s exactly how life should be, because we learn and grow from these things which help move us forwards in a more positive, nurturing and fulfilled way.
And as such there are things in my past I wore as badges of honor I no longer wear today. And it breaks my heart when I see so many others at earlier stages in their journey doing the same thing I did and unable to help them - it’s the sole reason I became a coach in the first place!
So this week I wanted to share my Top 5 Badges of Honour I No Longer Wear With Pride and Why - in the hope that it will help some of you recognise similar traits within yourself.
Number One: Being a Perfectionist
Perfectionism. A word I am sure most of you are all too familiar with. The phenomenon where we set unattainable standards for ourselves and subsequently face a constant state of disappointment and overwhelm with our inability to meet said standards.
Perfectionism tells us that we have to do well in all everything we do, AND that they have to be perfect in order for us to feel the thing we are doing, or us ourselves, are good enough.
I used to love calling myself a ‘Self Confessed Perfectionist’ - because it illustrated how high my standards were in all areas of my life. But being a perfectionist brings me nothing but overwhelm and unhappiness. Just some of the areas are:
Feedback: One thing I look up to my clients on is how well they take on my feedback. Whereas in my quest for perfection, I can often be oversensitive to criticism given to me. I find myself seeking to make no mistakes so that I can’t get ‘bad’ feedback, which of course is impossible to do in itself.
Body Image: Perfectionism absolutely manifested itself as an eating disorder in my 20’s and into my 30’s when I started in this industry. But no matter how my body looked I never felt happy. I’ll cover this one all on it’s own post later, but the key was no matter what I looked like there was no ‘perfect’ so I was never going to be happy if that was my ultimate goal.
Environment: My perfectionism ties into my OCD. Something I fight on the daily. I am a nightmare to live with as everything has to be perfect and nothing out of place. I used to pride myself on this, but the reality is it’s draining and really hard work and is just me trying to exert control. I work on this every day but out of all my perfectionist traits this is probably my hardest to beat. I like to think having everything ‘perfect’ makes me happy - but the truth is it’s anything but!
You see the thing is, being a proud perfectionist (and these things just scratched the surface) means I miscalculated how capable I was to live in a ‘flawed’ world and have success despite of it. So now instead of wearing it as a badge of honour, I desire to be someone who is able to live in a perfectly messy world and go with the flow. Whether that will ever happen, only time will tell!
Number Two: Getting By On 6 Hours Sleep
Ever since I left uni I prided myself on being able to function on little sleep. As an air hostess I would often fly through the night and instead of getting home and sleeping like others did, I wore a badge with pride that I stayed up all day - for up to 24 hours - before my head hit the pillow that night. Then when I started in the fitness industry I was working 14 hour days starting very early and finishing very late, and getting by on 6 hours sleep.
I took great pride in telling others this. I liked the shock factor it gave, but also I loved that it showed I was the hardest working person in the room, I didn't need to prioritise sleep. I was trying to get ahead, everyone else was just lazy.
And to be honest it wasn’t until lock down this year that this really changed for me. Suddenly I added an extra hours sleep into my night and it was life changing. I had more energy, more focus, felt more creative, my mood was better and more than anything I was just damn happier and a nicer person to be around.
So often I hear people say - ‘I only sleep ‘x’ amount of hours and it’s fine it doesn’t bother me I don’t feel tired’ - but they show signs of severe fatigue in other areas of their life like low mood, disrupted hormones, inability to build muscle, short tempered, cravings, low motivation to train or just get much enjoyment from life, and even depression.
I now defend my sleep with my life. I prioritise it above all else, from my nighttime routine, to the time I go to bed and get up; it was even a big contributing factor to me in giving up face to face personal training and moving to online so I didn’t have to get up so early for the sessions and live a better quality of life.
Most people’s ideal sleep length is between 7 - 9 hours and we each have our own deal set point on that spectrum. I actually think mine is closer to 8 hours so still something to work on for me - but I hope never to have to return to 6 hours a night. For my physical and mental health, the success of my business, my relationships, my body comp, my performance, my own self worth - sleep is like a free drug that can go some way to fixing all these things if only we prioritised it - as opposed to wearing the slogan ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead’ with such pride.
Number Three: Being Busy and Working the Hardest In the Room
Ever since I owned my own business, I wore being busy, overwhelmed and never taking a holiday with pride because it represented how successful I was compared to others. When others used to ask me how I was I would say ‘I’m SO BUSY!’, feeling smug my business was doing so well - when in reality it was just me being naive and ignorant to what life was all about.
I used to see those taking weekends away or holidays while I was spending the weekend working at my desk and think ‘ha! Look at you wasting your time while I’m busy grinding and getting ahead!’
Now I realise THEY were the ones being successful, because constantly working 24/7 or being busy or overwhelmed means your system is broken and it doesn’t equal success. Being busy means just that - you are busy, and I’m sure there is no time-poor person out there that would equate feeling too busy and overwhelmed to also being happy. There is nothing smart nor clever about never taking a holiday and giving everything to your job - no matter how much you enjoy it.
8 years into working for myself and I’m still trying to be disciplined with myself enough to step away from my work without feeling guilty or like I am letting others down. Whether it be during the week or trips away, I know that ultimately it will only improve my business and my relationships with my clients as it makes me a better person all round. The key is setting boundaries in my day, in my week and in my year that allow me to go hard when I need to, but then step back guilt free regularly too.
But one thing I now NEVER say with pride is that I’m busy - and if I ever find myself falling into the trap of saying it I know there is something there which needs to be addressed sooner rather than later to get me back on track.
Number Four: Being Closed Off and Showing A Lack of Emotion
Ever since I was a child I was the ‘non-emotional’ one out of me and my sister. I never used to cry at films as she did, I rarely cried in general and thought of myself as tough and hard to break. This carried on through to my 20’s and even the start of my 30’s.
I wasn’t particularly affectionate with friends, partners or my family, and if I met someone new, especially at work, I came across as particularly standoffish and put up a front where I was hard to approach and get to know - because I wanted them to earn the right to know me.
A lot of this stemmed from a particularly toxic job where the culture was to make people earn the right to be part of the team, and part of it tied into the introverted side of me whereby if I came across as a bitch it hid the fact I was actually really shy and insecure. If I didn’t let people in, then I didn’t have to justify my worth in why they should know me - it was easier never to let them in to start with.
It even meant over the years I had a particularly fraught relationship with both my sister and parents. Not that we fell out but I just kept them at a distance. I was too ‘busy’, they didn’t get me and I didn’t have time for them. Being affectionate and showing emotions represented weakness which was something I wasn't.
Now my heart breaks for this old me - what was she thinking?! Having these barriers up doesn't bring happiness! So now I tell my parents I love them every day, I prioritise time with my sister, I aim to be the most welcoming in the room as opposed to the hardest to approach (although my resting bitch face doesn’t help me with this!), and I work on letting myself be more open and vulnerable with my emotions.
As always it’s a work in progress but as soon as I started letting others in and my affection and emotions come through, I got so much back that I’m determined never to close off and be that hard shelled person again.
Number Five: Being The Most Disciplined
There is a trend here right? So far the things I have worn as a badge of honour have revolved around pushing hard, being hard, being perfect and being in control, and my final thing, being the most disciplined, absolutely ties in with these things.
I used to LOVE being the most disciplined, whether it was at uni taking 6 months off of drinking alcohol (for no reason), to never eating the crew food when I was an air hostess, to not sleeping, even up to a few years ago when I used to pride myself on hitting my numbers in MFP spot on, always hitting my steps, always doing my training sessions JUST how they were supposed to be done, all these things I was so proud of.
And they absolutely helped me be the success I am today - from getting a 1st Class Honours in my degree, to having my own business, to growing my online platform and even to maintaining the body comp I do - but it also comes with it’s negatives.
Being the most disciplined means I am very sensible. And sensible doesn’t equal fun or happiness. It means I find it very easy to say no to things, be it experiences or people because I hold my discipline in a much higher regard.
I would turn down birthday dinners or drinks, weekends away or a day out because I had certain goals I had to stick to - be it business or body comp, and not only did this lead to me very easily slipping into an eating disorder, it meant I missed out on so many wonderful experiences which really could have bought me so much happiness I regret to this day.
It’s something now with my clients that I place a lot of value on. I never want them to make the same mistakes I did, and so always encourage them to go for drinks, or go out to dinner, or go on that holiday - because if there is one thing I have learnt on my 37 years on this planet it’s that nothing done in extremes will ever make you happy - and isn’t that ultimately what we are all striving for?
So now I encourage my clients, and myself, not to be perfect, the most disciplined, to push the hardest, to close off from showing who they are and most importantly not to slack off on their sleep..because life is about a middle, happy ground of moderation and THAT, in my opinion, is ultimately, what will make us all truly happy,