What Being A Self Confessed Control Addict Has Taught Me
If you think the grass is greener on the other side it’s because its fertilised with bullshit.
This week we celebrated Mental Health Day and it bought something up for me which has been playing on my mind lately, something I normally keep hidden from people as much as I can, but just lately I have found myself getting more and more anxious over. What is it? I’m a control freak.
I’ve always been a control freak, I’ve talked about it many times and I am sure I will talk about it a million more times to come and this is because being a control freak is an all an encompassing, draining and tiring trait to have.
It’s had huge negative consequences to my life and is what I believe lead me to have my eating disorder. For those lucky people that don’t suffer from this I’ll put it as simply as I can...it’s like having a constant devil on your shoulder making you turn into a psycho if something it out of your hands. To some people this can sound like I am a spoilt brat who has to have everything go my way (yes to some extent I would agree) and to others it can sound like the most wonderful thing in the world to be so in control of your life.
The truth is being a control freak can manifest itself in a lot more ways than just controlling the outcome of something, for me I have learnt it means:
1. Being an OCD neat freak…and I mean a freak.
The Negatives
It makes me EXTREMELY hard to live with or be around (as my boyfriend would know only too well). If you step foot inside my apartment you basically can’t move anything. You are not allowed in the kitchen or in the bathroom unless it 100% fits in with what I am doing, if you do go into these rooms everything must be left exactly as you found it down to how the body wash is positioned in the shower to the way the cushions are placed on the bed down to the way I have things in my kitchen cupboards or water bottles in my fridge.
At night I like only certain lights to be on, and before I go to bed everything down to the cushions or any creases in the sofa must be put back straight ….you get the picture.
I also have to spend once a week giving my apartment a clean (even though to most people it would probably look perfect). This is a total waste of my time, which would be a lot better spent on my business or spending time with my loved ones, but the thought of not doing it is just not an option and I would chose to prioritise this above all else.
The Positives
My apartment looks awesome! Its clean, tidy and so organised. The perfect place to be creative with my work and relax in and to many an envious place to live.
2. I thrive off routine
The Negatives
I favour staying in and sticking to my routine (if I venture out it is a huge deal and has to be planned months in advance), I favour going to bed and waking up at a certain time every day, I favour the same routine every morning and watching the same certain TV show every night. This is when I am at my happiest and most content. This is one of the reasons I haven’t had a holiday in the past 18 months, or had any weekend trips away, or done anything crazy outside the norm. As you can imagine for a friend or partner this can be very frustrating. I am an introvert who loves spending time with myself and likes nothing more than going to bed early with a good book by myself.
The Positives
This can also work massively to my advantage. Thriving off routine means I won’t ever miss a gym session, I won’t ever miss an appointment or be late for something, I won’t ever deviate from a plan or way of doing something. It is what has made my business a success, my social media a success and my training a success and is something a lot of people struggle to do.
It keeps my mind, body and business healthy.
3. There is only one word to describe me and that’s sensible
The Negatives
When I once asked an ex boyfriend to describe me in 3 words he could only come up with one – ‘sensible’, and to be totally honest this is probably one of the reasons we are no longer together. I don’t like taking risks or being out my comfort zone because I can’t control the outcome which again can be very frustrating for anyone who wants to build memories or have experiences with me.
I miss opportunities to take risks which might pay off. To get out of my comfort zone and experience things that might be life changing.
The Positives
I don’t take risks, and that pays off in its own ways. I don’t have a massive credit card bill hanging over my head, I don’t commit to anything I know I can’t give 100% to, I’ve never been out of a job or made the wrong choice. Being sensible might be seen as boring but exciting (coming from a control freak) isn’t always all its cracked up to be either!
So Where To Go From Here?
So here’s the thing. I often get people telling me they are so envious of how in control and disciplined I am. How much they wish they could be like me and not give into temptation whether it be going on a night out, missing a workout, eating ‘bad’ foods, shopping for things they can’t afford, being disciplined and proactive in regards to self study or working on projects. But the reality is I look at them and wish I could just have one day where I didn’t have this constant responsibility and never ending to-do list in my head ticking of the next thing I need to do or control. I would love to one day say f**k this I’m not training today, or ‘I’m going away for the weekend’, but I know in my heart that will never happen.
This is me and I will never get rid of it, and as ironic as it is, it is probably the one thing I really can’t control. And over the next few months this is really, really, really going to be tested as I move out of my apartment and become some what of a nomad for the next 6 months. This will mean little routine, living in other peoples houses where I can’t control everything and not knowing where I might be the next week. I am absolutely sh**ting myself but I have to say at the same time somewhere deep inside of me I’m hoping this will give me a break from ticking off my never ending to-do list and give me a breather from trying to control my world.
Because if there is one thing the past 18 months has taught me its that the more you try and control something the more the universe will shove it back in your face and make you pay for it.
So whether you are a massive control freak like me or at the other end of the scale take comfort in the fact that really we are all in the same boat. Others will look at how you do something or the way you are and wish they could be more like you. We all have our own demons to fight, its just using them the best way we can which will make all the difference.